Monday Morning

Little Bit is sitting on the floor next to me, pulling popsicle wrappers out of the trash and sucking on them. And I'm letting her. Gross, you think? She is the 5th, so my standards are way low, and it is Monday morning, so they're even lower than normal. #2, 3 and 4 children are running around taking silly pictures with my digital camera. And I'm letting them. They aren't fighting (too much) and are having fun (mostly). #1 child is playing in her room, trying to stay away from the chaos. :-) I envy her sometimes.

Apparently I skipped reading blogs last week. Or writing on mine. Not sure what happened. We have started school and I'm finding that to be slightly overwhelming. But I was still on the computer, so why didn't I read or blog? Maybe I was actually attempting to be responsible and pay attention to my kids. Nah, that can't be it! :-)

While attempting to catch up on blogs this morning (and ignoring my kids), I caught this from my cousin/friend, Melissa:

"For as long as I can remember I have felt that, at some point, people 'grow up,' they figure out life, and they know everything. They have wisdom and act upon it. They know what is best and they do it. And I've been wondering, subtly, in the back of my head, for years...'When will I reach that place? That grown up place where I know the answers, I have life figured out, and I am wise?'
I am laughing now, as I write this. There is no grown up place. There is no easy ride. I think I am learning to resign myself to the fact that I will always be learning more, growing more, developing a sense of who I am and how I operate and how to go forth in the world, until the day I die."

Lately I've been wondering this too. When will I finally feel like I'm the grown up? It sort of surprised me when I realize that there are younger moms out there, younger wives - who might even look at me and think I'm OLDER and therefore maybe a little bit more grown up. Yikes! That's actually a little scary. Part of me recognizes that, yes, I am more grown up than I used to be (of course when you're as immature as I was, it's not hard to grow up some!). But part of me also knows I have so stinking far to go. And, sadly, some days I don't want to be the grown up. I want to be irresponsible. I want to just play and have fun. I want to be the babysitter! :-) Most days I want an adult to come over and tell me what to do! :-) Then Eric comes home and I'm irritated with him for being the adult and not just wanting to play and wanting to let me play.

Along with this train of thought is that I really get to feeling trapped by being an adult some days. When I was a young adult, my goal was to have fun. That's it. I didn't want marriage, kids, responsibility, a college degree, a career. I wanted FUN. What happened??? :-) Most of the time I love my life - even with marriage, kids, responsibility ... But some days I look around and wonder how I got here. :-) Can I just ditch it all for a few hours and play? Not worry about cleaning the house, cooking meals, training kids, teaching school, being a wife. Being able to eat whatever I want because I'm 20 and don't worry about my fat butt and hips. Ahhh, now wouldn't that be nice?

All right. My kids have been neglected long enough. I have 2 kids crying next to me (well, whining). The oldest is asking when we can start school work (yes, she IS crazy). The baby needs a nap. The odds of a fight starting are increasing by the minute.

Time to go pretend that I'm the adult! :-)